The Seductive Appeal of Loneliness (post 7)

My most fundamental values can be stated as follows:

1) I value my own happiness.
2) My happiness is dependent upon my ability to form and maintain relationships with others.
3) My happiness is strengthened when those I care about are happy and is unsettled when those I care about are in pain.

These three simple realizations give my life unambiguous purpose and direction.  I know that relationships with others are the most important things in my life.  I know that causing pain to those I love will inevitably cause me pain, and that bringing joy to those I love will inevitably bring me joy.

Furthermore, I believe these basic values are shared (either consciously or unconsciously) by most and that they lie at the heart of every major religion.  When I claim that divergence in values is what breaks apart relationships and communities, it is not these fundamental values that are the cause.  It is secondary and tertiary values that become the sources of disagreement.

Yet even for those of us who have explicitly realized the importance of these values, there are many times when we forget or disregard them.  We become fixated on our pain or perceived inequities and so convinced (rightly or wrongly) that the source of such pain is other people, that we stop reaching out/cut off affection/withdraw.

As I have said before, sometimes there are very good reasons for this.  Instances of domestic abuse, bullying, hate crimes, etc. are all examples.  There are unfortunately many circumstances when we must defend ourselves from those who have harmed or seek to harm us.

But perhaps more unfortunate are those circumstances where people withdraw, convinced or afraid that they are or would be wronged or ignored, when there is no true ill intent.

Everyone of us knows someone who is lonely.
Many of us know several such people.
Most of us have experienced it ourselves.

And for those of us who have experienced it, we know there is something attractive about it - something noble, defiant, self-righteous, as well as comforting and very safe.  There is also power in it, especially if we learn to interact with others from within the safety of a shell or affected persona.  We can then appear to be social and can more easily deceive and manipulate others and obtain substitutes for the joy we no longer experience from authentic relationships.

But the loneliness is still there, and despite its comfort, safety and dignity - despite whatever substances it may furnish for gaining pleasure - it is a prison.